Snaarsissism nixed? Check out the Elegant Snaarsiverse!

I have recreated this blog on WordPress and titled it "Elegant Snaarsiverse." If you like this blog, please check out the new version at http://snaars.wordpress.com/ and let me know what you think.

It's time for some sort of change, whether I end up staying with wordpress or not. Snaarsissism is a good running joke, but it's not truly what the blog is about.

When I come to any dramatic realizations in relation to what this blog is about, I'll let you know, dear reader.

Two years in review - personal update

So much to write, so little time...

The snaars wife: I don't often write about her, but snaars fans should know that she is central and indispensable to the phenomenon.

Seriously, Michelle has borne the brunt of the family's troubles of the last two years or so. We are healing from the disaster that ensued after our move north, and Michelle has had to do the most. In an unfamiliar house, far from anyplace we had ever called home, we found she was pregnant with our third child. Rejected by the family she had so long wanted to be reunited with, we faced another move and the premature burden of being on our own before I had stable employment.

Regular visits with my parents kept us sane. We made the 2.5 hour trip at least once a month (usually twice) for a long time. My parents also loaned us a LOT of money. I think they felt partially responsible, because before the move their encouragement allayed any doubts we had felt.

Michelle had it worse than I did in a lot of ways, coming to grips with the reality of the dynamics of her family (past and present), and doing the bulk of the parenting work: getting the kids into school, enduring a third pregnancy and a difficult home labor and birth, then taking care of an infant on top of everything else - all in a place where we had very little money, or support from anyone.

During the first months in the apartment and throughout the pregnancy I suffered from panic attacks. I went to work every day knowing I wasn't making enough money. I came home wanting to do something else to make money and feeling helpless. Michelle and I both felt tired, but we couldn't sleep.

Despite all this, Michelle continued to volunteer many hours per week to the Childbirth and Postpartum Professionals Association, as their public relations coordinator and director of state representatives. I think she had clung to the position as something over which she could have some control during a time when everything else seemed out of control.

Meanwhile, because of our obligations as parents to our first two lovely daughters, we couldn't slow down or focus on our own needs as much as we should have done.

I have had five jobs in the past two years, with bouts of unemployment in-between. This last job has been going very well. I have had steady employment for five months now, and although our expenses still outweigh our income, the discrepancy is minimal; we've been making stead progress and I expect the trend to continue. Soon, we will be restoring our savings. I expect we'll be buying a house within six months or a year.

I have been working with some wonderful people. They have been impressed with me and my work. I did not get this job through the staffing agency, but through an aquaintance I made while working for the agency. Within a week of getting the job, I was offered another job at a different company. Not only was I able to negotiate better benefits from my employer because of it - I actually managed to go back to the company that had given me the second offer, and I set up a complementary schedule with them, so that I was able to work both jobs.

The second job has since evaporated, but it was good for the several months it lasted. I am on good terms with the owner of the business.

After working with my current employer for three months, they gave me a considerable raise. And today - just this morning - they brought me into a meeting to discuss sending me back to school to take accounting and/or IT courses. They advised me that the combination of accounting and IT has considerable earning potential. They are willing to reimburse me 100% for tuition and expenses.

The only requirement is that I make at least a B in whatever courses I want to take. (I didn't feel it necessary to bring to their attention that I aced almost all my courses at UL - I think they know I'm capable.)

Sometimes it's good to be the snaars!

Simcha turns six this week! She wants a Care Bear more than anything. (I'm just glad she's over the Bratz doll obsession of the last few months!)

I'll write more about the kids soon - I know that's what all the real snaars fans ache for - but for now, it's past my bedtime.

12 reasons to reject the dangerous homosexual agenda

courtesy of the GSA:

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.
10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

See also: Do you think you may be straight? (Oh my god - as if being an atheist wasn't enough - am I straight, too?)

TCPS, proud member since 2004

Cone Friend

One day while jogging down the street,
I stopped to rest my weary feet,
Beneath a tree I saw a sight,
That filled my heart with joy and light,
A cone! A beautiful cone stood tall,
Waiting for me to call,
And lead him to our little home,
And stay with us and never roam,
Our hearts have been happy, our spirits always soar,
Ever since that little angel came through our door.

The preceding poem was found on "The Snarson's" family home page. Is the similarity of name mere coincidence? Or could it be yet another glimpse into the divine and infinitely labarynthian plan of the snaars?

Extended Mind Thesis

I touched on the idea of the extended mind over a year ago, when I wrote "love, pizza, grief, and personal identity. At the time, I had not heard the idea named, and did not know that the extended mind thesis is a well-developed and hot topic in cognitive science and philosophy of mind. I find it fascinating:

From Wikipedia:

The Extended Mind refers to an emerging concept within the philosophy of mind that addresses the question as to the division point between the mind and the environment by promoting the view of active externalism. This view proposes that some objects in the external environment are utilized by the mind in such a way that the objects can be seen as extensions of the mind itself. Specifically, the mind is seen to encompass every level of the cognitive process, which will often include the use of environmental aids.

The primary body of work in the field is The Extended Mind, by Andy Clark and David Chalmers. In this paper, Clark and Chalmers present the idea of active externalism, (similar to semantic or "content" externalism,) in which objects within the environment function as a part of the mind. They argue that it is arbitrary to say that the mind is contained only within the boundaries of the skull. The separation between the mind, the body, and the environment is seen as an unprincipled distinction. Because external objects play a significant role in aiding cognitive processes, the mind and the environment act as a "coupled system.” This coupled system can be seen as a complete cognitive system of its own. In this manner, the mind is extended into the external world. The main criterion that Clark and Chalmers outline for approaching the use of external environmental objects utilized during cognitive tasks as a part of an extended cognitive system is that the external objects must function with the same purpose as the internal processes.

In The Extended Mind, a thought experiment is presented to further illustrate the environment's role in connection to the mind. The fictional characters Otto and Inga are both travelling to a museum simultaneously. Otto has Alzheimer’s Disease, and has written all of his instructions down on in a notebook to serve the function of his memory. Inga is able to recall the internal instructions within her memory. In a traditional sense, Inga can be thought to have had a belief as to the location of the museum before consulting her memory. In the same manner, Otto can be said to have held a belief of the location of the museum before consulting his notebook. The argument is that the only difference existing in these two cases is that Inga's memory is being internally processed by the brain, while Otto's memory is being served by the notebook. In other words, Otto's mind has been extended to include the notebook as the source of his memory.

From "Collective memory, group minds, and the extended mind thesis" abstract

While memory is conceptualized predominantly as an individual capacity in the cognitive and biological sciences, the social sciences have most commonly construed memory as a collective phenomenon. Collective memory has been put to diverse uses, ranging from accounts of nationalism in history and political science to views of ritualization and commemoration in anthropology and sociology. These appeals to collective memory share the idea that memory “goes beyond the individual” but often run together quite different claims in spelling out that idea.

I should note for any interested readers that in philosophy, the words "internalism" and "externalism" can mean different things depending on the subject matter. For instance, when discussing theories of knowledge, internalism and externalism refer to different kinds of theories regarding epistemic justification (e.g., reliable process v. coherence or mental states).

In this instance, externalism refers to the idea that a part of the mind or memory is located outside of the brain. I am quite at ease with this notion, and I feel that it is almost certainly true, although there are quite a lot of details to be worked out.

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Questions (idle, amateurish ones all):

Is the extended mind idea plausible? Is the idea compatible with other well-supported theories of how the mind works?

If the extended mind exists, is it the case that it makes real - that is, enables the existence of - group minds, analogous to individual minds that actually think and react to stimuli? Or, is the extended mind merely an ability of the individual mind to store, retrieve, and/or process information externally, using the environment?

Does this inform theories of group consciousness and group memory? I am sceptical of both, but it seems to me that if extended consciousness is demonstrated, then perhaps it could be a mechanism for the functioning of some kind of group consciousness or shared memory.

How does this impact our notions of community, morality and personal moral responsibility?

Since I had not heard of the extended mind when I first started writing about it, is it the case that I absorbed the idea from some sort of group consciousness, made possible by the extended mind?

Related topics: innatism/nativism, memetics.

Monty Python's philosopher's drinking song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, [some versions have 'Schopenhauer and Hegel']

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.

Epitaph

I think I'd like the following to be read at my funeral (not that I'm expecting it anytime soon):

What delightful hosts they are--Love and Laughter!
Lingeringly I turn away at this late hour, yet glad
They have not withheld from me their high hospitality.
So at the door I pause to press their hands just once more
And say, "So fine a time! Thank you both . . . and goodbye."
- Anonymous

Presidential Candidate Selector results

These are my ideal candidates, according to The Presidential Candidate Selector.

1. Theoretical Ideal Candidate (100%)
2. Barack Obama (83%)
3. Dennis Kucinich (81%)
4. Alan Augustson (campaign suspended) (73%)
5. Joseph Biden (72%)
6. Wesley Clark (not running, endorsed Clinton) (72%)
7. Christopher Dodd (70%)
8. Hillary Clinton (70%)
9. John Edwards (69%)
10. Al Gore (not announced) (67%)

Ken Miller on Intelligent Design

This is a very long video (almost 2 hours) but quite worthwhile for anyone interested in understanding why intelligent design creationism is bad science. Especially interesting to me were the bits where Miller discusses evidence against irreducible complexity.

Miller is a Roman Catholic biology professor at Brown University, and he believes that faith and science are compatible. I disagree with him on this one point, but not in a strict sense. Miller's beliefs certainly don't make him any less a scientist.

Unrest in Myanmar - latimes.com

Unrest in Myanmar - latimes.com Click the link for images of the junta's crackdown on civil disobedience.

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Given that my readers have ready access to news and information, I'm sure you know about the current events, or can easily find out. I don't know what to add, other than I am saddened and outraged. This is what happens when too much power rests with the few and corrupt.

The Buddhist monks are highly respected in the area as moral authorities, and they evidently take the responsibility seriously enough to risk their lives. I admire their courage.

Chimpanzees Share Forbidden Fruit

The title was too good to resist:

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Chimpanzees Share Forbidden Fruit

Abstract:

The sharing of wild plant foods is infrequent in chimpanzees, but in chimpanzee communities that engage in hunting, meat is frequently used as a ‘social tool’ for nurturing alliances and social bonds. Here we report the only recorded example of regular sharing of plant foods by unrelated, non-provisioned wild chimpanzees, and the contexts in which these sharing behaviours occur. From direct observations, adult chimpanzees at Bossou (Republic of Guinea, West Africa) very rarely transferred wild plant foods. In contrast, they shared cultivated plant foods much more frequently (58 out of 59 food sharing events). Sharing primarily consists of adult males allowing reproductively cycling females to take food that they possess. We propose that hypotheses focussing on ‘food-for-sex and -grooming’ and ‘showing-off’ strategies plausibly account for observed sharing behaviours. A changing human-dominated landscape presents chimpanzees with fresh challenges, and our observations suggest that crop-raiding provides adult male chimpanzees at Bossou with highly desirable food commodities that may be traded for other currencies.

Citation: Hockings KJ, Humle T, Anderson JR, Biro D, Sousa C, et al. (2007) Chimpanzees Share Forbidden Fruit. PLoS ONE 2(9): e886 doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0000886

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"Other currencies???" You mean chimps trade food for SEX???

The full version of the article is highly recommended. Many other professional scientific articles are freely available from PLoS ONE.

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Notice that, in the chimpanzee version of the age-old story, the male chimp gives the fruit to the female, in open defiance of tradition.

Blog update: time to hang up the old header.

Since I've been blogging again recently I decided to update my profile. My old profile was more of a blog description anyway, and since I was getting tired of the old header, I moved the description from the profile and put it in the blog header.

The old header read:

Welcome. Rejoice at the discovery of this website, for your eyes do not deceive you. Truly I say unto you, the universe is One, dynamic, and flowing with creative beinghood. Do not deny what you know to be true. Prepare your deepest self for the life-journey that is snaaaaaaaaaars.

Elegant Snaarsiverse

I bought Brian Greene's best-selling popular science novel, "The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory" today.

Hopefully, I'll have something both philosophical and irrelevant to say about string theory after reading the book. But first off, let me say that string theory is really a fool's quest, and here's why:

String theory is touted as the explain-everything model that will reconcile general relativity with quantum theory. For those who are unfamiliar, quantum mechanics is about the smallest things we know about in physics, and general relativity is about medium- and large-sized objects (like bugs, apples, cars, planets, and stars) on up to the ungeblievagly engormous things (like black holes and galaxies.) The theories of quantum mechanics and general relativity, taken together, explain just about everything observable about the physical universe, but they are mutually exclusive - they can't both be right.

String theory posits the existence of zero-point, one-dimensional structures called "strings," which vibrate through precisely eleven dimensions, and from which emerge matter and the forces familiar to modern physics: gravity, electromagnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces.

String theory, so far (to my admittedly meager knowledge), doesn't predict anything that is observable - but it does seem to be able to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity.

If I were a professional philosopher of science, I might characterize string theory as a reductionist theory, meaning that it attempts to explain all phenomena by appealing to one, or a very few, fundamental phenomena, forces, particles, or kinds of things (the last phrase being deliberately vague.)

Anyway, let's cut to the chase, shall we? The truth is, string theory is bullshit when - huh, obviously - the universe is composed not of strings, but - DUH - little bitty snaarsisms, quivering their way through the universal ovoid, imbuing space itself with hyper-optional potentiality.

I can teach you all the Way of the snaars, by which you too can know the truth of these things.

Good v. Evil: Narcissism v. Snaarsissism

Narcissism (from "Abstract Concepts"):

Narcissism is a set of character traits concerned with self-admiration, self-centeredness and self-regard...in Narcissistic Personality Disorder ... the patient overestimates his abilities and has an excessive need for admiration and affirmation ...

Some sources suggest that narcissistic personality disorder may be an infantile, defensive personality structure ...

... may be a maladaptive defense of the ... emotional splitting, resultant cognitive distortions, and negative/hostile worldview ...

... yadayadayada, something something.

In a world in which live such people, now more than ever is needed the snaars.

Creation/Evolution controversy explained

It's SO simple, really. Ken Ham, the protuberant creationist apologist, has a neatly packaged Answer-In-Genesis to the question of why Evolutionists "refuse" to believe.

Be you creationist or evolutionist, you may be surprised to find out that the controversy is not about the actual evidence for or against your position. No, we can never look to the evidence to decide the matter. The key, you see, is in the interpretation of the evidence, which is naturally based on our presuppositions (or axioms, which, Mr. Ham explains, are the same thing.)

One interpretation might seem to fit the evidence better, warns Ken, if we have not grasped the notion that what are at issue are the presuppositions which underlie.

You see, it's like this: no one really "knows" if we were created or evolved. Because no one was there to witness how we came to be. Because "We all exist in the present—and the facts all exist in the present."

If there was a witness, then someone was already living. So, being alive, they can't have witnessed the creation of life. Therefore, no one witnessed the creation of life.

No one, that is, except God (good thing HE's not alive, right?)!

Until we have a time machine, we'll never know how it really happened.

Luckily, our Christian brethren actually do have a time machine, in the form of the Bible. Hooray!

If we will only presuppose (and what right-thinker wouldn't?) that the Bible is the revealed Word of our Lord, then all the evidence will fall naturally into place. What a relief!

Ken Ham says he's glad he learned this distinction between facts and presuppositions, because then he was able to inoculate his students against the factual interpretations of other (evolutionist) teachers. Then the shoe was on the other foot for a change!

Despite God's every effort to be fair and give us all an even shake, however, some folks just won't believe, for their own indiscoverable, spiritually corrupt and immoral reasons. As long as they remain obstinate, nothing can prevent them from forming their own radicallly dangerous scientific interpretations of the evidence.

Snaars Times

Here's a brief update for my online friends. Sorry I haven't been in touch the last few months. I've been working two jobs. When I am home I spend a lot of time with the snaars spouse and snaars kids.

It's hard to believe Saadia turned one year old last month - but it's true. Simcha is in kindergarten and Havilah is in the second grade. They are, each of them, fantastic kids. Every day there's something I want to write about. They provide me with enough material that I could write a full-length post every day, if I had the time and energy.

Yesterday Havilah told me she loves science, but she doesn't like math, and she wants to be a figure skater when she grows up. Lately, her favorite game to play as a family has been "20 questions."

Today I watched from our apartment balcony as Simcha nervously crossed the street all by herself on her way to the neighborhood playground. While Simcha participates in "20 questions," she much prefers "I spy with my little eye," which is basically the same, only easier.

Saadia has a glowing personality, and is working hard at breaking in tooth number eight and tooth number nine. While I was comfortably seated on the balcony watching Havilah and Simcha in the playground across the street, Saadia discovered the unique and satisfying sound an orange makes when it is dropped from the third story to the concrete below.

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I would like to draw your attention to the new scarlet letter "A" in the sidebar. This is the official symbol of Richard Dawkins's atheist OUT Campaign. Since I came out as an atheist about two years ago, and because this very website was instrumental in that regard, I felt it was appropriate to add the A here.

This blog's address has been added to the OUT Campaign's blogroll, but it took some doing. Initially, the OUT Campaign's site administrator thought that my site had been hacked by Christians! I thought: "Oh my, that administrator didn't take much time to read it, did he?" I supposed that my spiritualized theme had caused confusion! In fact, there was a typo in my submission. The administrator was looking at snaars.blogpot.com. (Blogpot, you see?)

Anyway, it's all fixed now. I plan to peruse some of the other sites on the blogroll, maybe make some more friends.

Perhaps I'll provide some details on my employment situation next time.

A Millenialissistic Visitation

Having withheld my snaarsissistic blessings for what I have calculated precisely to be just the right amount of time, I hereby deign and design to impart and bestow grandiose words of opportune importunity.

No longer will I the silence, endured by so many and long, and so fortunately, be the purveyor of **.

It's been months since I've written anything substantive. That's because, in my incalculable wisdom, I find that long, drawn-out expectancy makes the precipitously forthcoming reward all the sweeter. The snaars must be doled out carefully and cautiously, like honey, from the crock of enlightenment. The secrets must not be dispensed with all at once, lest the unready uninitiates misuse or disabuse others of the gifts and get a stomachache from all that honey-sugar.

Okay, here's today's bit of wisdom. Ahem. Here goes (get ready now):

Do not do any thing that I would not do**.

There! Now don't we all feel better? See y'all again soon!

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** Better a language abused than disused, that's what I always say. When I'm not obstinately close-mouthed, that is.
** Excepting inasmuch as such activities distend to the overall benefit of Snaars, or of His condition, and that of the Universal Sentientosity generally, and humanity most very especially. Or if you really feel like it. But even if you are going to do something that I would do, consult your inner snaars first. Ask your physician before performing snaarslike feats.

Get him a body bag, Johnny! Yeah!

Sweep the leg, Johnny.

Relive a bit of 1985, with a twist, brought to you by No More Kings. Coments welcome.

Day at the Beach

In fulfillment of my promise to the girls to take them to see the Atlantic Ocean before the end of the summer, we spent the day at Cape Henlopen on Sunday. We forgot to take the camera, but I was sort of glad because the salt air and sand could have ruined it.

The weather couldn't have been better, but the public showers were COLD (brr!)

site update

Added all sorts of post labels today. They're not perfect because they're still somewhat inconsistently applied, but I like having them. Enjoy! Who likes my new profile picture?

"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

The Veil is Torn

The veil has been lifted. Now anyone can view the snaarsliest of snaarsies.

(Keep your thoughts pure. Don't go blind!)

Mr. Deity

Mr. Deity! Should entertain the theist and non-theist alike. As gently irreverent as the Father Ted series. Kept me laughing for about an hour.

6/13/07 Playlist updated. (Corrected play order and removed unwanted videos. How did those get in there?)

6/18/07 Scrapped Grouper and erected UTube over the remains. I like UTube better, and Grouper removed episode ten from my playlist and from their site.

post labels

Today I've started putting labels on all the posts in the archive. It's a lot of work, but it will be worth it. Anyone that clicks on the labels links for the next couple of weeks should keep in mind that I'm still working on them.

Working Class Hero

Working Class Hero
by John Lennon, 1970

As soon as you're born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty-odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can't really function you're so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you're so clever and classless and free
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be

There's room at the top they're telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

My Place In This World

I've always questioned Authority in all its forms - but I haven't always been skeptical, really. A true skeptic has good reasons to withhold belief, and a critical mind. I didn't have a critical mind. I didn't know how to be critical. I believed virtually everything anyone said to me. If someone told me they'd seen ghosts, or demons, or angels, I believed them - I only wondered what it meant. I had a suspicion that it didn't mean what they said. Maybe it did - I just didn't know. I withheld belief out of ignorance - I didn't know how to evaluate extraordinary claims. I felt that there should be a way to think about outrageous claims without going around in mental circles. I felt like I was going in circles all the time, with no way out.

I had listened carefully to the sermons preached at my home church growing up, to televangelists, to friends, and to Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses who came to my door. I even listened patiently and debated half-heartedly with suited evangelists handing out tracts at the mall. I envied them a little bit. They understood exactly where they were and what they were supposed to do.

I had tried reading the Bible, prayer, transcendental meditation, and even Yoga. Some moments, I felt like I was on the verge of something important. For instance, there were times I felt as though I was floating a few inches above my chair while I was meditating. But whatever my experiences, I never knew what to make of them, really.

In the summer of 1996, I was depressed. Perhaps I've always been depressed, but at this point I was having a melt-down. I was painfully aware of mortality, and not just my own. I was thinking about pets, friends, and relatives who had died. Everyone dies. No one makes it out of this life alive. Furthermore, everything we do and build eventually crumbles into dust. Looking back at the events of my life that held the most significance for me, I found that they all involved heartache and death.

I was a complete and dismal failure. I had failed at college. I had failed to be a good son, a good brother, a good friend. My job, neither prestigious nor high-paying, had been a source of daily frustration for five or six long, tedious years. I had failed to make my life amount to something. This, despite everyone around me telling me that I had wonderful 'potential.'

I had even recently attempted, and failed at, a career of crime. After eighteen months of training and planning, I backed out of it. Years later I recognized that I had done something right and good, but at the time it just felt like I was weak. That's probably because my would-be partner in crime - my best friend, by far the smartest, most ruthless person I have ever met - didn't have a lot to do with me after I reneged. And as if that weren't enough, around the same time my long-time live-in girlfriend left me.

And I had recently taken in a homeless kitten and it died. (Seriously. I am not making this up! I took her to the vet the day after she came to be in my care, because she was lethargic and not very 'kittenish' at all. The vet said she was dying from malnutrition and dehydration, and that she would most likely not live. He offered to put her on an i.v. and monitor her, but the expense would have been astronomical. He said it probable wouldn't change the outcome. I did everything I could, made food and water available to her, and had a friend visit her while I was at work. The kitten only slept, did not seem to be in pain at all, and passed quietly away after about three days. Her name was Jasmine.)

Abject, lost, and alone, I needed someone or something. I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about my feelings because of the shame I felt. I was a little bit self-destructive, had been smoking for a couple of years, and berated myself for it, too.

One night, I fell to my knees in the middle of my apartment. I was tired and sick and alone, and sick and tired of being alone and leading a meaningless life. I didn't like myself and I didn't like my life and I didn't know how to hold on anymore. I had always talked to God - I just wasn't sure that any God was there to listen. This time, I was desperate. I managed to come to faith - a real belief! - because I bought in to the notion that life can't have meaning apart from belief in God. I wanted my life to have meaning, so desperately. Afterwards, I felt better.

Even so, I had to investigate. Who was this God person, anyway, and why did he make it so that life was so hard? In short order, I decided to follow the path of Christianity, because I felt that Christian teaching had at least one thing right: if God was all-powerful and created everything and life has meaning then God created life for a reason. Having a reason implies having a motivation or desire, which implies having some sort of character. God must be a personal God, as I had always been told. I had reservations still, but I ignored them, thinking Christianity would be a good starting point at least, and I would learn more as I went along.

Then , Michelle called me. Michelle, a long-time friend, was different from anyone I'd ever met. Our conversations were typically infrequent, and we hadn't spoken in a long time - maybe six or eight months. She didn't know that I had broken up with my girlfriend, and I didn't know that she had broken off her engagement. I had loved Michelle since we were teenagers. I had not pursued a deeper relationship with her only because I knew her faith was so much a part of her life.

Michelle and her family had exhibited a strong faith and were seemingly stable despite having survived trials of unimaginable difficulty. They had always been - not really role models, but people with qualities that I liked and admired. They were often in my thoughts.

Michelle and her family were Messianic Jews. Instead of calling the Messiah 'Jesus,' they called him 'Yeshua,' which is a pronunciation which is closer to the original Hebrew. I visited their synagogue several times, and felt very much at home there, despite the fact that the worship style and general atmosphere were different from anything I had experienced before.

One day, the rabbi led a special prayer. While the congregation had their heads bowed, he asked for a show of hands from anyone in the congregation who felt a particularly strong burden and were in need of God's forgiveness. He asked everyone to keep their heads bowed, and assured us all that no one would see whose hands were raised. I felt that I should raise my hand. I peeked, and didn't see any raised hands. I immediately felt guilty for spying during a - well, sort of a private moment.

The Rabbi said, "I see your hand raised. And yours, yours ...." Something within me broke. I needed forgiveness. I needed assurance that my life was going to be okay. I raised my hand.

The Rabbi told us that we had agreed to let Yeshua into our hearts, and he led us in a confessional prayer. I had been to similar Christian services and been unimpressed and unaffected. This time, it was different. I prayed honestly and unreservedly. The moment I began, tears started flowing down my cheeks. I prayed that Yeshua would come into my heart. I felt a palpable, physical tingling feeling, like a wave flowing up and down my body, centered in my chest. I got saved right there late on a Saturday morning in front of a fold-up chair in a Messianic synagogue in New Jersey.

Within a few short months, I asked Michelle to marry me, and she agreed immediately. Half a year later, and it was done. The service was gorgeous (we still receive positive comments on how beautiful it was.) We incorporated Christian and Jewish elements, and it was co-officiated by Michelle's rabbi and my dad, who is a pastor.

When I confirmed what I had already suspected - that I too was Jewish - well, that was even better.

I began studying the Bible in earnest. I started reading all the religious materials which I had dismissed previously out-of-hand - creationist literature, for instance. I was taken by surprise by the seeming reasonableness of their criticisms of science and the scientific community. I started to accept the Bible as being authoritative, and came to see much of society through a fundamentalist lens .... I also studied Hebrew and Jewish thought.

Yes, I thought I had a good handle on things. We moved to the South and I returned to college, albeit late (I was twenty-seven at this point). This time I was successful. I intended to get my philosophy degree with a minor in religious studies, and prove to myself and everyone else that I was capable and thoughtful. I had a deep, deep need to figure things out, because I was still trying to figure out who this God person really was. I still had a lot of unanswered questions. Eventually, I decided I would be a Rabbi so that I could devote my life to finding the answers, and help other people find the answers they needed.

It was hard work. I worked full-time and went to school full-time. We started a family and Michelle stayed at home. We were active in a small local synagogue and a small non-denominational church. We had health problems. Looking back, I don't know how we did it all ... but this is a story that will be continued another day ....

(... To Be Continued ... (... or not. I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to be doing this anymore. Who thought that was going to last, really? Well, maybe this post will be the last post. (I mean it!)))

Adieu

I've completely run out of steam where blogging is concerned. I thought I was going to write a series on objective morality, but it is just not going to happen.

I think my blogging phase has run its course. I've worked through the issues that I needed to work through, and a lot of it was on other writers' blogs.

I just don't have the time to spare! What I've been doing this past year has not been working well.

I need to re-think my career strategy, by which I mean I need a job that can sustain my family. Blogging is a luxury I can no longer afford. Survival has to come first.

The financial crisis continues. I don't think we'll end up homeless - but I do need more focus. There was a long period there where the blog provided a much-needed escape and safe avenue for expression. Now I consider it a distraction at best.

This blog never fulfilled its potential - by which I mean that I always wanted to do it better, and more regularly, and I have always been a little disappointed for not being able to take the time to do it right.

I've had a few good posts, and had some good interactions.

Thank you, all my snaarsissistic friends. I may or may not post on occasion. I will continue to visit your blogs once-in-a-while. In time, perhaps there will be a resurrection ...?

Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)

Don McLean wrote Vincent in 1971 after reading a book about the life of artist Vincent Van Gogh. In the 1970s, the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam played the song daily and a copy of the sheet music, together with a set of Van Gogh's paint brushes, is buried in a time capsule beneath the museum.

Lyrics

---

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colours on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds and violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colours changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artists' loving hand

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They're not listening still
Perhaps they never will...

---

I highly recommend Josh Groban's version of the song.

---

A bit of personal faith history

I recently read this blog posting by The Cranky Atheist Jew and was inspired to write a comment regarding my personal journey through faith, culminating in atheism. I'm reproducing the comment here on my own blog because, while lacking in a lot of details, it encapsulates something important about me and my history.

[Cranky Atheist Jew,] I enjoyed reading your introduction. It resonated well with me.

We seem to have a lot in common as far as our attitudes toward atheism and Judaism, although we come to our attitudes by different means, or a markedly different history.

I was raised in a protestant Christian household, and I was primarily agnostic throughout my teen years and into my early twenties. I was seeking and I had an ongoing fascination with Judaism that had started with some of my childhood experiences of interacting with Jews.

So, I was pleased when I discovered that I had a Jewish heritage through my maternal line although my family had not practiced Judaism for several generations. I discovered that one of my great-uncles had renounced Christianity and become a Rabbi, for which he had been disowned.

I eventually fell in with a group of messianic Jews by dating one - I eventually married her. The practice of their faith was characteristically Jewish, but their doctrine was akin to right-wing Christianity and included a belief in Jesus as the Jewish messiah of old-testament prophecy.

I found a lot of meaning through this faith, and it was comfortable because I was accepted by my in-laws and my own family.

I made plans to become a messianic rabbi, but I wanted to have a secular education first. I went back to college and was perversely drawn to philosophy. At first I rebelled against the implications of what I was learning, but after a point I could no longer accept what I had been taught from my messianic friends about the nature of god.

It was difficult because at this time I had started raising a family, and all of our friends were messianic Jews or sympathetic Christians. We hosted and led bible studies, and I even led shabbat services for an impoverished local Messianic Synagogue for a few months.

At first I tried to reconcile my newfound knowledge with scripture, but in the end I turned to atheism and humanism.

This caused a great strain in all my personal relationships, especially my marriage. But we have all weathered the change. One relative of mine suggested that I would return to some sort of religious faith after about two years. That has not happened, and I don't believe it ever will.

There are a lot of strange and wonderful things in the universe, but the classical theistic god-concept no longer holds any appeal.

The Pennsylvania Hospital

Philadelphia has an amazing history, and bits of it sort of lurk around every corner, waiting to leap out at you.



Today we visited the Pennsylvania Hospital in Philadelphia. Pennsylvania Hospital was the nation's first hospital, founded in 1751 by Benjamin Franklin and Dr. Thomas Bond 'to care for the sick-poor and insane who were wandering the streets of Philadelphia." At that time, the city was the fastest-growing in the thirteen colonies. Lying on the Delaware River, it bustled with international sea trade and immigration. Whereas the nation was established as a melting pot, city leaders of the day ironically noted that Philadelphia was a "melting pot for diseases, where Europeans, Africans, and Indians engaged in free exchange of their respective infections."

The majority of patients that presented themselves at the Hospital in its earliest years were diagnosed as "Lunaticks" (sic). The eighteenth century heralded increased control of the insane through confinement and growing confidence in science's ability to understand and cure insanity through more aggressive medical treatment. Here we can see the tranquilizer chair, designed to slow down the fluid movement of agitated patients.


Christ Healing the Sick in the Temple
Painted by Benjamin West

West was a Philadelphia native and the historical painter for King George III, and eventual president of the Royal Academy of Arts in London. The hospital's Board of Managers asked West to create the painting and donate it to the hospital, in 1800. West agreed and chose his subject to be "the redeemer of all mankind extending his aid to the afflicted of all ranks and condition."

The painting took 11 years to complete, and caused such a stir in England that West was pressured to sell it to the National Gallery for 3000 Guineas. West assured the Board of Managers that he would creat a second, better painting, and he did. In the second painting he added a "demoniac with his attendant relations" to pay homage to Pennsylvania Hospital's treatment of the mentally ill. It was delivered in 1817.

It is said that this was the first piece of fine art available to be seen by the general population in colonial America. After 12 months, an admission fee of 1 penny was charged to look at it. Over the next 25 years, the fees paid for the picture house and added $15,000 to the hospital's funds. For another penny, one was allowed to watch the insane people as they took their daily exercise in the yard.

The Great Court

The center section of the Hospital was designed as a buffer between two wings, to shield the physically ill people from the disturbing cries of the insane. Here were housed the officers and servants. The first floor was the administrative center (it is still usedfor that purpose today); also an apothecary and medical library, both the first in the nation. The Great Court was restored in 1976 for the nation's bicentennial using traditional colonial colors.

The Nation's First Surgical Ampitheatre

or

"The Dreaded Circular Room"

The surgeons who first used this room were considered skilled craftsmen. Surgeries were performed on sunny days only, between 11:00 am and 2:00 pm, because the skylight was the main source of illumination - there was no electricity at the time. Locals and medical students could pay a fee to watch surgical procedures, which included amputations, removal of internal and external tumors, bladder stones and cataracts; repair of hernias, and the setting of fractures.

Anesthesia was not used until the 1840's, at first only on women because of their supposed low tolerance for pain. Prior to anesthesia, sugeons would administer prodigious amounts of alcohol, or opium, or a swift blow to the head with a mallet to render the patient unconscious - and, hopefully, not dead.

I would have elected for the use of all three methods.

Sterile technique was not in use in the country before 1890. Surgeons washed their hands - after the procedure. They wore coats, to protect their clothing. The surgical coats were left on hooks in the ampitheatre and were not washed for years at a time.

Pictures and text in this posting have been borrowed from The Pennsylvania Hospital Walking Tour guidebook and from The University of Pennsylvania Health System's History of Pennsylvania Hospital's web site.