Hello. My name is Snaars, and I am a blogger. I use my blog to ease the stress of daily life. I've written a lot of things I'm not proud of, but that's a fact and that's who I am.
I read somewhere that the biggest stressors are lifestyle changes, financial problems, moving, having a baby, going through a divorce, and changing jobs or careers. In the past year and a half I've openly "come out" as an atheist, graduated from college, moved twice, and changed jobs three times. Oh, and had a baby!
Probably the icing on the cake was that five-month debacle with my in-laws while we lived with them. We're still not talking to one another, and we moved out six months ago. We've done everything we can to mend relationships, to no avail. I think they are the poster children of familial dysfunction. We should have heeded the warning signs before we agreed to move in, but we just didn't know how bad they were. It really hurts that they choose to push us away - but then again, who needs people like that, anyway? I just wish we hadn't made ourselves so vulnerable, because we're sure paying for it now.
I've always had a tight budget, but this is the first time in my life that my monthly expenses have exceeded my monthly income.
The worst part is not having clear goals, other than finding a way to survive.
I'm willing to work and do whatever "it" takes - but I don't know what "it" is! My only real desire other than to provide for my family and raise my children well, is to go on to graduate school. But, I don't know how to accomplish that while we are still floundering.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Simcha turns five!
Tomorrow is Simcha’s fifth birthday! We celebrated this evening with a special birthday dinner, presents, and ice cream cake. It all started this afternoon. We spent the morning cleaning and vacuuming, then I fired up the internet radio with some kind of techno lounge music with a good beat. Then I called Simcha into the living room and did a silly dance. Then I sang. I improvised. It went something like this: “Go Sim-cha! It’s your birth-day! Go Sim-cha! It’s your birthday! We love you! We adore you! It’s your birth-day! Be hap-py!” She was delighted and we all laughed out loud for a long time while we acted silly.
Among her presents were several rubber bath duckies. It may seem strange, but she has always had a fascination for them. Michelle found some that light up with little dancing disco lights when they are touched or placed in the water. Simcha also received a firefighter duckie that changes color with the water temperature. She also got a Sleeping Beauty doll.
Saadia is already two-and-a-half months old. She is extraordinarily happy. She is alert, loves to ‘talk’, and hardly cries at all.
Whereas Havilah and Simcha both slept in a bassinette when they were her age, Saadia sleeps in our bed because we are short on space in this little apartment. I sleep lightly because I help feed her at night and because her favorite pastime is making cooing noises and kicking me in the back all night long.
Havilah is doing great in the 1st grade. I read to her, and Simcha too, every night, and Havilah is making great strides in her reading.
We are still not making enough money, although we have done everything we can think of to cut expenses, short of trading in our car for something smaller that would have a lower monthly payment. Michelle has an appointment tomorrow to sign up for WIC and food stamps. That should help a lot. We are a couple of months behind now on some of our bills. We are getting closer though, and I still have confidence that eventually we will be all right. My credit rating may get shot to hell, but at least we are not in immediate danger of being out on the street.
Reflecting on the past few years, I am astounded (appalled?) at everything this family has been through. My sense of self-worth has been nearly non-existent these past few months, but I believe I am rebounding. I am steadily becoming more comfortable with being an atheist in a world that is downright hostile toward atheism. I no longer feel a need to announce it, to explain or justify it. I don’t feel a need to denounce religion. I have learned that it’s unsafe to say much about it to anyone.
I don’t discuss my beliefs unless I am asked. Even my father, who is an educated and compassionate man, can not sit still and discuss it with me in a calm manner. Most of our discussions on the topic have been initiated by his attacks on philosophy, as a discipline. These usually take me by surprise and must admit I resent them. I sympathize with my father and I have no desire to challenge him or deprive him – or anyone else – of something that gives them a sense of meaning and comfort.
The last time, he asked me if I knew that I was a philosophical “throwback”. I don’t have any clear idea in what way he meant by it. He made a definite point that logic doesn’t produce any ideas in and of itself, and that it can be most misleading. He seemed to be questioning the usefulness of reasoning at all. I was, quite frankly, dumbfounded and I couldn’t understand his point at all. I just agreed with him that logic is not creative and that the conclusions of logic depend on the quality of the information, evidence, and assumptions that are being worked with. I thought it was just a really strange conversation to have with my dad, since I have always considered him to be smarter than I am. It’s taken me a long time to get over my competitiveness with him, and now every once in a while he wants to get competitive with me.
I haven’t been very good company for a long time now because of our financial difficulties and the depression that has come along with them. I think my dad has misdiagnosed that depression and thinks that it is related to my atheism. I think that theists imagine how they would feel if they didn’t have a belief in God to give their lives meaning, and then they project those feelings on atheists and assume that atheists are just a miserable lot.
Anyway, that’s all for the moment. This posting has been a long time coming and it may be another long wait for the next. I will read and appreciate all comments, but I may not be able to respond in a timely manner (and I may not have internet access – that was actually turned off for a while and it may be turned off again later this month)!
In the meantime, best wishes to all!
Among her presents were several rubber bath duckies. It may seem strange, but she has always had a fascination for them. Michelle found some that light up with little dancing disco lights when they are touched or placed in the water. Simcha also received a firefighter duckie that changes color with the water temperature. She also got a Sleeping Beauty doll.
Saadia is already two-and-a-half months old. She is extraordinarily happy. She is alert, loves to ‘talk’, and hardly cries at all.
Whereas Havilah and Simcha both slept in a bassinette when they were her age, Saadia sleeps in our bed because we are short on space in this little apartment. I sleep lightly because I help feed her at night and because her favorite pastime is making cooing noises and kicking me in the back all night long.Havilah is doing great in the 1st grade. I read to her, and Simcha too, every night, and Havilah is making great strides in her reading.
We are still not making enough money, although we have done everything we can think of to cut expenses, short of trading in our car for something smaller that would have a lower monthly payment. Michelle has an appointment tomorrow to sign up for WIC and food stamps. That should help a lot. We are a couple of months behind now on some of our bills. We are getting closer though, and I still have confidence that eventually we will be all right. My credit rating may get shot to hell, but at least we are not in immediate danger of being out on the street.
Reflecting on the past few years, I am astounded (appalled?) at everything this family has been through. My sense of self-worth has been nearly non-existent these past few months, but I believe I am rebounding. I am steadily becoming more comfortable with being an atheist in a world that is downright hostile toward atheism. I no longer feel a need to announce it, to explain or justify it. I don’t feel a need to denounce religion. I have learned that it’s unsafe to say much about it to anyone.
I don’t discuss my beliefs unless I am asked. Even my father, who is an educated and compassionate man, can not sit still and discuss it with me in a calm manner. Most of our discussions on the topic have been initiated by his attacks on philosophy, as a discipline. These usually take me by surprise and must admit I resent them. I sympathize with my father and I have no desire to challenge him or deprive him – or anyone else – of something that gives them a sense of meaning and comfort.
The last time, he asked me if I knew that I was a philosophical “throwback”. I don’t have any clear idea in what way he meant by it. He made a definite point that logic doesn’t produce any ideas in and of itself, and that it can be most misleading. He seemed to be questioning the usefulness of reasoning at all. I was, quite frankly, dumbfounded and I couldn’t understand his point at all. I just agreed with him that logic is not creative and that the conclusions of logic depend on the quality of the information, evidence, and assumptions that are being worked with. I thought it was just a really strange conversation to have with my dad, since I have always considered him to be smarter than I am. It’s taken me a long time to get over my competitiveness with him, and now every once in a while he wants to get competitive with me.
I haven’t been very good company for a long time now because of our financial difficulties and the depression that has come along with them. I think my dad has misdiagnosed that depression and thinks that it is related to my atheism. I think that theists imagine how they would feel if they didn’t have a belief in God to give their lives meaning, and then they project those feelings on atheists and assume that atheists are just a miserable lot.
Anyway, that’s all for the moment. This posting has been a long time coming and it may be another long wait for the next. I will read and appreciate all comments, but I may not be able to respond in a timely manner (and I may not have internet access – that was actually turned off for a while and it may be turned off again later this month)!
In the meantime, best wishes to all!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
In a Big Country
Great song. Never quite knew the words until I looked them up today.
In a Big Country
by Big Country
I never saw you look like this without a reason
Another promise fallen through, another season passes by you
I never took the smile away from anybody's face
And that's a desperate way to look for someone who is still a child
CHORUS:
In a big country dreams stay with you
Like a lover's voice fires the mountainside
Stay alive
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime
CHORUS
So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
In a Big Country
by Big Country
I never saw you look like this without a reason
Another promise fallen through, another season passes by you
I never took the smile away from anybody's face
And that's a desperate way to look for someone who is still a child
CHORUS:
In a big country dreams stay with you
Like a lover's voice fires the mountainside
Stay alive
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime
CHORUS
So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
