Here's an interesting perspective I learned today. There are four possible attitudes we can have in our interactions with others:
- I count, you don't count. This is an aggressive stance in which "I" am the decision-maker. I have respect for myself and I do not desire your input on the matter. If you know what's good for you, you better listen to me.
- I count, you count. This is the attitude that fosters dialogue. I have my own opinion, but I am willing to work with you. Let's compare notes and really listen to each other to reach a satisfactory conclusion. This attitude takes work.
- I don't count, you count. This posture is submissive. I am a martyr. I sacrifice my own wishes and desires for yours. I resent you because you don't appreciate me. You won't "let" me do what I want. I am trapped and stifled.
- I don't count, you don't count. Nothing really matters. I am apathetic. I am fidgety - I work, I'm constantly moving, I smoke, I may turn to mind-altering substances - anything to occupy my mind so I don't think about my hopelessness. I become objectified in my own thoughts: "It should be different," "It's hopeless," "It's not working," "It's not how I thought it would be". What these things really mean is I should be different, I am hopeless, etc.
This made a lot of sense to me. I'd be interested in hearing any comments.
2 comments:
In the category "I don't count, you don't count, I'm not at all sure people feel helpless. There are, certainly, people who feel helpless and who want to change themselves or their situations, but there are others who use "helplessness" as a weapon. They complain about things, but won't DO anything; they like presenting problems, but they also like frustrating the answers and the people who give them answers; in essence, they like complaining and they "win," every time, because they find reasons not to accept solutions. They are perpetual victims and they've made an art out of using other people's generosity and willingness to help. They seem like people with real problems, but they're manipulators and they love power, albeit in a roundabout way. I think they're very dangerous. Their power is disguised in softness and misdirection, and it can take a long while for honest people to discover their methods.
Greensleeves
Wow, Greensleeves. That is a VERY good point. Honestly never thought of that, but it makes perfect sense. I'm sure I've met people like that.
I've also BEEN that person. I think most people have been in most of the categories before. I know I have. It's hard to admit that, but learning to think in these terms has taught me some unwelcome truths about myself that I am working to change.
Since I learned this way of looking at conversation, I have (of course) tried to take the "I count, you count" approach. I was surprised at how difficult it can be sometimes. It takes effort to be aware of what I am communicating. It also takes effort to realize what position the other person or people in the conversation are coming from and try to get them into the same "I count, you count" mode, or at least adapt to them ... it takes a lot of practice.
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